A school district has announced that parents will now be formally evaluated by their children.
Officials said the change was necessary for consistency.
“We have spent years insisting that student perception is essential evidence when evaluating teachers,” one fictional administrator explained. “It would be hypocritical not to let the same children evaluate the people who make them brush their teeth.”
Beginning Tuesday, every child will complete an anonymous Parent Effectiveness Survey. Items include: My parent listens to me. My parent lets me stay up late. My parent provides snacks I enjoy. My parent understands that homework interferes with my personal goals.
Parents receiving an overall rating below Proficient will be placed on an improvement plan and assigned an eight-year-old instructional coach.
The district emphasized that the survey is not a popularity contest. It is a scientifically formatted popularity contest.
Responses will be collected immediately after bedtime, denied screen time, and any trip to a store in which the child was told, “We are not buying that.”
Parents may submit contextual evidence, but officials cautioned them against becoming defensive.
“A child’s lived experience is the child’s lived experience,” the administrator said. “If your daughter believes vegetables are punitive, your intent does not erase the harm.”
Several parents questioned whether children possess the judgment needed to evaluate adults responsible for their safety, health, discipline, and long-term development.
The district thanked them for demonstrating resistance to feedback.
Under the new system, strong parenting will be defined as producing children who report being happy with their parents. Officials acknowledged that this may reward unlimited snacks, unrestricted phones, and a bedtime of never.
But those are implementation details.
What matters is honoring voice.
The first survey window closes Friday. Parents have been instructed not to take the results personally.
They are data now.
